6 Good Movie Characters You’d Hate In Real Life

Movies create dynamic characters that we’re meant to love. However, some of the tendencies that make them great on screen don’t necessarily translate to real life.

Sam /Sean Astin (Lord of the Rings)

“We could sleep inside each other! Ha! Just kidding, unless you aren’t, in which case I’m serious.”

Though an integral member of the fellowship, hanging out with Sam is probably like hanging out with the kid who’s sitting (on a booster seat) at the cool kids table for the first time. The politest way to describe him is “clingy.”

It seems like it’d only be a matter of time before he’d say something like, “Martha’s a good name for a kid right? I’m just kidding! We’ve got plenty of time to think about it!” or “Ha! I ate your hair and now you’re inside me!”

He’s obsessed with being your ultimate friend, and gets considerably jealous when anyone else gets in the way. He’s the type of guy to ask “Are you okay?” seventeen times during sex.  Except that he’s obviously not having any sex with anyone.

Imagine having to tell Sam the he’s not your maid of honor…Hell, imagine telling him he’s not your bride! He’d probably start setting fire to municipal buildings. Also he’s tiny, so like, gross right?

 

Brian/Liam Neeson (Taken)

“No! He’s just a bike messenger!”

He’s the guy you want in your corner when shit goes down. But when shit is pretty regular (which is most of the time) he’s probably kind of an intense dude to hang out with. Imagine this conversation when you go to Whole Foods together:

“Liam go pick up some Kale, it’s in the- Jesus Christ is that a gun!? What do you mean just in case?

BLAM!

“You just shot the Bakery Technician in the leg while demanding where the Kale was!”

 

 

 

 

Rusty /Brad Pitt (Ocean’s Eleven)

“Technically it’s a onesie.”

 

 

Just look at his outfits in this movie.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Hawkeye/Daniel Day Lewis (Last of the Mohicans)

“My dad pays for my cell phone”

With his long flowing hair and feral nature he’s basically another version of that guy who got really into Asian stuff (which is weird cause he went to Italy) when he studied abroad  except with the Native Americans.

You beg him to sleep in the house but he replies, “No way bro! No one owns the land, I’ll sleep out here.” You insist that the local elementary school does indeed own that particular land, but he makes a lean-to and falls asleep.

Listening to him talk to women in a hushed corner of your friend’s dorm room is the worst, “Hey baby, I was raised to eat every part of the Deer, and I won’t be in anyone’s militia.” And she’ll sleep with him cause just like every other college girl she is an idiot.

Hawkeye would be placed just above “guy with acoustic guitar” as far as artistic integrity is concerned.

 

 

Blade/ Wesley Snipes (Blade)

This is Blade for: “I ate the last bagel.”

You arrive home after a long day and you just want to talk about your feelings. You look for your best bud, Blade. Oh there he is in the darkened, sunless, corner. Like everyday, he doesn’t give a shit about your feelings. He growls and darts around at vampire speed instead. “Slow down Blade!” you cry, but it’s too late, your Russian doll collection is ruined.

Hanging out with him is the same as bringing a mentally unstable stray cat into your apartment. Every now and then he wakes you up at night by screaming, “You ever get the thirst!?” while standing on your desk.

It also appears he buys new leather jackets each day just to spite your vegetarian nature.

 

 

Willy Wonka/Gene Wilder (Willy Wonka)

“Those are what grow when you bury a dead Oopma Loompa.”

Being around him has the same half-life as hanging around a drunk friend. Fun for an hour or two, but as we hit the 4 hour mark you realize you hate them and have always hated them for as long as you’ve known them.

Hanging out at his house would be like visiting your writer-friend who passive aggressively seeks your validation throughout the night. “Oh did you guys want dessert? Just lick the wallpaper. Yeah I invented that, it got me a ton of twitter followers, but like whatever it’s just wallpaper anyone can do it.”

He wears a purple suit most of the time, which is about as much fun as when hipsters wear an oversized t-shirt with a picture of a beaver scoffing at businessmen on it.

 

By Kevin Anglin

www.kevinanglin.com

Twitter: @mrkevinanglin

Author: Nader Ahmadnia

Nader Ahmadnia is a writer for Progressive Man Magazine, an online music publication that features new and emerging talent.

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